Not Quite Perfect

Christmas was definitely "different" this year. We did not celebrate the traditional Australian way, which is to have a grand seafood dinner on Christmas eve (yup, shrimp on the barbie), but we did follow another Aussie tradition, which was to go to the beach on Christmas day. We took a 20-minute drive to beautiful Cottesloe Beach and arrived about 7:00am, in time to find a good picnic spot. Within an hour the beach was nearly full. We breakfasted on mango yogurt, watermelon and bananas, then caught some rays until about 9:00am. We stayed a bit too long on the beach and didn't have time to change before going to Christmas church services. Fortunately everyone was dressed casually, but we felt a bit conspicuous in our shorts and t-shirts. Note: it sounds odd, going to the beach at a time when most people are barely out of bed. There a couple of reasons for this practice: (1) the sun is up very early (5am) and it gets hot very quickly! (2) The "Fremantle Doctor" breezes start blowing inland about midday, and at the water's edge the winds are so strong that they blow sand all over the sunbathers. Not such a good time!

Without children or grandchildren close by, we sought alternative ways to celebrate. Many expats had visitors (children, parents, friends) during this season. Robbie, a fellow Mahjong player, and her husband invited us over for a Christmas eve buffet which included turkey, dressing, green bean casserole (made with french fried shallots), ham, rolls, and lots of wonderful desserts too decadent to mention :)  There was a group of 9 of us, including a couple from England and 3 rig workers originally from various southern US states.

A particularly entertaining guest I'll call Bubba regaled us with hilarious stories and experiences from his three years here.  The story I'm about to tell had us all laughing so hard we nearly fell off of our chairs. All the elements are present which illuminate the frustrations Americans frequently experience when dealing with Aussies in the hospitality and service industries. Bubba, I hope I got this close to accurate :)

Jimmy Forgot to Cook the Chicken

It was a busy day for Bubba and his co-workers. They'd started at sunup, and by noon the wind and hot sun had taken their toll on the guys, and they headed toward a local café for a quick lunch. They walked across the street and into the local eatery, and sat down at a table.  Several other diners were there, chatting and laughing, but no one was eating. After several minutes had passed and no one had come to take their order, Bubba moseyed over to the waitress/cashier I'll call Sasha, who was busy checking her hairstyle in her compact mirror. Their conversation went something like this:

Bubba: "Howdy."

Sasha (smiling): How yer goin"?

Bubba: "I was just wondering what's on the menu today?"

Sasha: Well, we've got a sandwich or two left, and some salad, and the special of the day.

Bubba: Great. I'll just take three of the specials.

Sasha: Okay, that's three specials. It'll be about 45 minutes.

Bubba: 45 minutes?

Sasha (smiling sweetly): That's right.

Bubba: What's taking so long?

Sasha: Well, you see it's Jimmy.

Bubba: Jimmy? Who's Jimmy?

Sasha: Jimmy's the cook.

Bubba: Okay, what's the problem?

Sasha: Not a problem, but he's just been a bit busy.

Bubba: Busy cooking?

Sasha: Well, no, but he's working on the stove right now.

Bubba: What the heck's been keeping him so busy?

Sasha: Well, it's his pahtnah (partner). They've been having problems, and... well, she rang him at work this morning and he's been talking to her. That got him worked up, and then a couple of his mates stopped by to say g'day. And they got to talking, and Jimmy didn't turn on the stove.

Bubba: Jimmy didn't turn on the stove?

Sasha: Yeaahhr, but he's got it turned on now and it's heating up.

Bubba: So you're saying Jimmy hasn't actually cooked anything yet?

Sasha: Nooaahr (no), but he's about to.

Bubba: And those 20 people over there...

Sasha: They're waiting for the lunch special.

Bubba: How long have they been waiting?

Sasha: Oh, about thuhdy (30) minutes. 

Bubba: Don't they have to go back to work?

Sasha: Oh, their boss will understand. They'll just say that Jimmy forgot to cook the chicken and it will be all right.

Bubba: You're serious? They just tell the boss that Jimmy forgot to cook the chicken and everything's just fine?

Sasha: Right. Jimmy's a union man, and everyone knows these things happen from time to time. Would you like a drink with your specials?

Bubba: Look, honey, we're 3 fellas who've been workin' all mornin' and we're hungry. Have you got anything else to eat?

Sasha (smiling): Sure! There's garden salad, tahmattah and feta salad, oh and some cheese sandwiches.  

Bubba: Nothin' personal, but does this happen very often?

Sasha: Well noah, not all the time, but Jimmy's been having problems with his pahtnah and sometimes he gets in a bit late.

Bubba: Okay, let me make sure I got this straight. Jimmy's having personal problems, his buddies came to work and distracted him, so instead of heating the oven Jimmy starts talking to his mates, and he forgot to cook the chicken... and that's okay?

Sasha (smiling sweetly): Yeahr, that's right.

Bubba: Have you got anything with meat in it?

Sasha: Ah, we'll have chicken in just about, let me see, about half an hour.

Bubba: As soon as Jimmy cooks it.

Sasha: Right you are!

Bubba: We gotta find somethin' to eat and get back to work, and we've already been here 20 minutes. I'm sorry, but we just can't wait that long. I'll have to cancel our order.

Sasha (big smile): No worries!

Bubba and his co-workers leave the café to the gentle buzzing of lunch patrons laughing and slurping their second beer. He shakes his head and repeats "No Worries? What does she mean, no worries! I got worries!  I'm about to starve to death!" They cross the street and enter another lunch spot. Bubba walks directly to the counter and says: Hi there! Got a question for ya. Did Jimmy remember to cook the chicken today?"

THE END

P.S. This may not translate well to American culture, but it sure is funny over here.
--> Unions are strong, and workers have protection from being fired unless it's for a dire transgression. Work ethic here is superseded by what folks call the work/life balance, which is extremely important to folks. From my protestant/American/puritanical perspective it seems like most people don't work very hard, and they get an awful lot of time off. Productivity is reduced accordingly. Of course there are exceptions, but the expats seem to work much longer and harder than the locals.
--> It is common for Australians to refer to their significant other as their "partner," even if they are married. The usual practice seems to be for a couple to date and then move in together. There doesn't seem to be a desire to marry, unless children enter the picture. Couples frequently marry shortly before or after the birth of a child.
--> There is no tipping here, and therefore no incentive to provide good customer service, and typically no apologies or explanations are provided when food doesn't arrive promptly, etc. However, Australians are generally friendly and cheerful, which can sometimes make these situations easier. Salaries here are above average (and so are the taxes!), and service personnel are paid wages that compare to what US waitstaff make including tips.

-->  The initials WA stand for Western Australia. The more common definition here is "Wait Awhile."

Have a great day!